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Happiness.Exists? Apr. 19th, 2006 @ 11:22 pm
Yeah...it does.

Truth be said...

Current Mood: happyhappy

However.You.May.Think.Everything.I.Do.Is.For.You Mar. 27th, 2006 @ 02:05 pm
I know this doesn't mean much to anyone or doesn't mean anything at all to anyone, but it means the world to me. I feel I've finally found someone that makes me feel like I have meaning to this world. I've never been so happy in my life as I have been for the past 3 months or so. I know there are times that I fight with depression, but it's only because I suffer with unbalanceness. Deep within me, I couldn't ask for more in my life than what I have now, with Dustin. He has given me so much meaning to waking up. I just wish I could show him how much he does for me. But I feel that I'm just a let down to him most of the time. I don't live to his expectations and I don't have much confidence in myself. Again, that's probably why I'm a let down to myself as well. All I know is I've never been this in love with someone before. I know it's just the beginning and the beginning of everything is always the best, but I'll do anything to keep everything perfect. I could see a future with Dustin, I'm just afraid he may not see everything as I do. That's the painful part of life. People always see everything differently. All I know is that I'm enjoying every minute of my life these days. I couldn't ask for more. It's strange how one person could change everything. Since I was 13, the only thing I ever wanted was out. I wanted out of Louisiana. I wanted to find something that I didn't think I would ever find here. Yet, I'm 21 years old and I've found it through the most beautiful person I've ever met. He is so pure and rare, something I didn't think existed here. Everything in my life has changed, I don't care where I go, what I'm doing as long as I do it with him. I could stay here and everything would be fine...who would have EVER thought that I would ever change my mind about moving? No one, I'm sure because that is all I have ever dreamed of. It was only because I wanted to find happiness. But I've found it in me and Dustin has showed me how. I wake up just to know that he will be there to make me smile. I'm making this public because I want the world to know just how much my life has changed and how much Dustin means to me. I don't believe in fate, but I believe that everything in your life is already written for you, you just have to reach that point through every choice that is brought upon you. If it wasn't for me seeing Jennifer at the mall and her telling me about a position at her job and me in the process at that moment looking for a job, I wouldn't have met Dustin. Thanks Jennifer. It's like the choices you make in life, lead you to discover another part of yourself. When you finally feel love, it's the greatest feeling ever. It's like a feeling so hard to truely feel, but when you feel it, you know it's real. The smile he gives me is so real, I don't think I've ever smiled and felt like I've ever meant it. So, to anyone who reads this, I am so in love. I hope everyone gets the chance to feel it. I'm just so lucky to have found him. I just want to give him the world and show him happiness that he's never had. Life is beautiful, especially when you have someone as beautiful as him. I love you, Dustin. I honestly do. I would never do anything to hurt him, intentionally. I only want to spend my life sharing it with him. He is my everything. He is my Counting Crows. He is the biggest part of my heart, something I never wanted to give to anyone because I didn't think I could just let someone have so much power over me. But when someone makes you feel the way he makes me feel, you can't help but let everything go. He actually cares enough to want to get to know me. He knows when something bothers me. He knows when I'm upset. He knows when I'm not telling the truth. And that means so much to me that I could just cry because NO ONE has ever wanted to try to understand me or get to know me in that way. No one ever cared enough to look passed me trying to hide who I really am. I was always told that no one would ever understand me, but I'm trying my hardest to get Dustin to because he's the only person I really want to understand me. I doubt there's better than him out there. For that, I'm so fucking lucky to have him. I'm not afraid anymore. He's changed my life and all my goals. He's been the one for me. I just want to make him happy. I want to show him the world.

All I have to do, is just look at how happy he makes me and I know I'm safe.


"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you"~311

Love. Mar. 21st, 2006 @ 10:32 pm
<3...I'm so in love with Dustin Jock....<3

Current Mood: lovedloved

Investment. Mar. 13th, 2006 @ 11:29 pm
.....I wish I didn't invest so much emotion into someone....

To.All. Mar. 4th, 2006 @ 08:47 pm
I'm sorry I don't express how I really ever feel to you all in person or whatever. I'm a private person. All I care about is how everyone else feels.
Other entries
» I.Believe.It

the Questioner

Test finished!

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be direct and clear.

  • Listen to me carefully.

  • Don't judge me for my anxiety.

  • Work things through with me.

  • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

  • Laugh and make jokes with me.

  • Gently push me toward new experiences.

  • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

  • being committed and faithful to family and friends

  • being responsible and hardworking

  • being compassionate toward others

  • having intellect and wit

  • being a nonconformist

  • confronting danger bravely

  • being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

  • the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

  • procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
    in myself

  • fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

  • exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

  • wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

  • being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

  • are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and

  • are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

  • form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

  • look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority
    and rebel

  • are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families,
    and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

  • are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

  • are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

  • worry more than most that their children will get hurt

  • sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so please RATE it :-)

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • BY (FOUR)
  • CX (TWO)
  • CZ (ONE)

  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 0% on ABC
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 58% on XYZ

    Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

    » (No Subject)
    If I could cry....I would.
    » Realization.
    I've come to this idea about myself. I'm not ever happy with anything in my life because it's never what I want. Here are a few examples:

    *Stayed in Louisiana because my parents wanted me to go to school here.
    -I wanted to go to school out of state.
    *Tax Return is always done with what my dad wants.
    -I want it to help me live and pay for bills.
    *Living in California.
    -I want to live in New York.

    There's so much more but it just makes me sad to think about the reasons why I do what I do. I do everything to please everyone else and in the end, it leaves me broken hearted. The things I do want and know for a fact I want, I never can achieve. There's so many reasons why I don't just do the things I want. I'm coming to find out more and more about myself as time goes on. It's right what they say about yourself. The older you get, the wiser. Yet, you look at yourself from like above yourself and wonder "what the fuck are you doing? Why are you not doing what you want?"

    If there was anything that I want more in life, it's to be happy and I finally see why I'm not happy. I'm not doing what I want. I'm afraid though that if I leave, I'll just see that home is where I'm suppose to be, but in a sense, I know this isn't what I'm made for. I felt this strong feeling that I've never felt anywheres else in the world that I felt in New York. It's my dream. To live there.

    It's amazing how the things we want, can make us utterly depressed. All my life I wanted tons of friends and you know, I have the world in my hands. I have the biggest variety of friends from California to New York to the United Kingdom to Russia, yet I still feel like I'm alone. It's like that song Mr. Jones by Counting Crows..."when everybody loves you, you can never be alone"....and just like my psychology teacher in high school told me, "Erika, you're never alone with the spirits of your friends", but why do I feel so fucking alone? Shamefully, I can answer that. I don't go out much. I stay locked away in my room and locked away in my house because for some reason, I feel so out of place when I do go out. I feel like everyone around me is having a blast and looking at me like "why the fuck is she here?" Maybe I just think too much and overlook situations that aren't even realistic. I really hate going out..to places I don't belong.

    However, maybe I feel alone because I feel like I lost alot in my life after high school. I feel like I lost connection with people, but I know that I'm not the only one that it has happened to. That's life. You lose connections with people and you gain new ones. Sometimes you gain better and you lose less than what you do gain.

    I hate thinking about my best friend leaving me, but I know in my heart, you let the things you love go and watch them become greater. Marissa, I don't say it enough but I love you. You're honestly the closest thing I've had to a sister that I could tell the world to. We'll never say goodbye. I promise you that. I never say goodbye to the people I know will never leave my life. You will always have me here.

    I just try not to be wrong about myself because I only want to achieve living. By living, I mean exploration. Adventure. Risk. Pain. and most importantly, Happiness. I'm only trying to obtain happiness from all of this. That's it. I didn't realize it would be this hard. or do I make it hard?
    » My.Shit.Fest
    So nothing has gone right for me tonight. I swear. Nothing. The only good thing about today was hanging out with an old friend and buying me some kick ass shorts.

    Besides that, the entire night has been shit. I have done ABSOLUTELY nothing nor have I had the care to do anything. I just want to sleep. That's it. Sleep. Fuck it. Sleep. Just let me sleep. But, that's all the FUCK I do. I'm so god damn boring. And listening to fucking death cab for cutie at 11:30pm is NOT helping.

    I just want to go drive. I want to just get away. Drive far the fuck away from everyone and everything. I want to be able to just step out of my car and not see a single person I fucking know.

    I'm sick of my fucking life right now. I'm sick of the same god damn same shit every single fucking day. You know what it is....SLEEPING. All I do is SLEEP.


    I'm sorry. I had to vent about sleep. My life sucks. I hate tonight. I wish it would just go away. I wish people could understand depression and stop thinking they know everything. You can't ever go through life not questioning some sort of aspect of it. That's why I listen to music...it helps me think.

    Think about what the hell I'm doing....absolutely nothing.

    I'm sucked in. I'm sucked into a disaster. I'm sucked into a going no where path. I'm going no wheres in my life right now. And no, I'm not talking about my job or school. I'm just talking about my personal life. Me. My emotions. I'm searching for something that is non-existent. Just forget about it. Please. I'm done.
    » What.It.Means.To.Be.Me
    Judgement that is imposed on me, ruins me.

    I use to think that I was a strong person and I had the ambition to do something, but I've come to realize that I am but merely someone who lies to themselves to have something to look forward to in the morning. Why would someone do that to themselves? I can answer that, because nothing in their life stays.

    I'm sick of the same advice that you're too negative or that I'm looking for something that I need to find within myself or it's right in front of you. Fuck that. How can you find something in yourself, when you are the only person who really knows you better than anyone else on this god foresake planet. Just because you found it in yourself, doesn't mean that's what is in me. I let someone in to my wall and touch my heart, yet I feel as if they still don't know me. Maybe it's just the opposite, I just don't know myself. I try so hard to show people who I am, but everytime I do, I lose them.

    I know writing this will make no difference to me later on when I read it again, I'll still remember that feeling I felt as I wrote it, because that's the sad side with memory. And what hurts is that I can remember every little thing that's going wrong in my life and I can feel the same feelings I felt then, but why can't I feel the feelings I felt when I had one of the greatest experiences in my life?

    It's ashamed that the one thing that you love more than anything in your life, makes you so depressed that it kills you. The only person who will understand that is myself.

    My chest hurts. I don't think I've felt pain like this in a very long time. Nor have I've felt this lonely. I don't think I should talk online when I'm depressed. I have very descriptive conversations about life and half the time, I'm talking shit. I have some of the best things that life has to offer, yet I'm lonely and depressed. Reason being, outside influences have too much of an impact on my life and everything that has ever been given to me, I've never been happy with because I was catered all my life. Being the baby has alot to do with it, so I'm always thinking that there's better in life than what is just handed to me. I hate myself.

    I love the rain. I love this Bob Dylan. I love how comforting rain sounds. It gives you this feeling that everything will be okay. Unfornately, they won't. Not in my eyes.

    I need to try and be stronger and less emotional. Less attached.

    What's the point of life? We live, We die. The End. What is it that I'm doing here? What is it that I'm suppose to get out of this? I don't understand it. Is it that I'm just suppose to appreciate the good things and suffer from the pain that is received from troublesome? I'm striving for something that is unreachable and non-existent. Why should I even leave Louisiana, when it will just be the same ride that I've been on since I've realized how shitty life is. Why leave? Might as ride it next to the people you've known for most of your life. At least you're not alone on the ride. I think I'm slowly losing the ambition I so strongly had when I was 17. It's depressing that I have to take medication to be so unafraid of breathing. Anxiety ruins my life. I'm afraid of things that aren't even frighten. I'm pathetic. I'll get an anxiety attack while I'm getting a hair cut. Why? What is it that I'm so afraid of?

    I just want to be able to accept that everything changes. I'm selfish. I always want power over people. I always think I'm better than everyone else, when in fact, everyone is better than I.

    God damn, I need to stop listening to Bob Dylan. He's such an amazing songwriter. Wow.

    I'm done.
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